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To some, the focus of this article may seem a bit out of place for Facility Manager, since it is taken from an incident that happened in my life. When deciding on this topic, I realized most managers have never experienced and may not be prepared to handle the impact of a personal tragedy. It is not my desire to speak negatively, because in fact I feel very grateful for the things that I have. My hope is that you receive this information as a tool so if something similar happens in your office you will have a better understanding of how to deal with any staff who have been grief-stricken.

Recently, our industry experienced the disappearance and death of Spalding Gray. News headlines constantly remind us of tragic incidents all the time. Many of us never feel the real impact of this type of misfortune. The death of a loved one, a major car accident, the tragedy of 9/11, natural disasters, or a casualty of the war in Iraq; these are the kinds of things we hear about everyday. Until now, I never experienced grief of this nature firsthand.

Last January, my wife and I were expecting her doctor to direct us to the hospital to give birth to our second child, Samuel. My wife seemed to have had the perfect pregnancy; in fact, we were 40 weeks to the day. My office, family and friends were all very excited and happy for us. To our bewilderment and shock we soon found out that our son had no heartbeat and was stillborn.

Our lives have been changed forever. This has been the learning lesson of my life. Nothing has had any greater impact on me or my family than this incident. I am sharing this experience because until one goes through something like this, you don't know how it will affect you or the people in your life. Here are some of the things that I realized:

1. My wife and I never experienced grief of this magnitude. The loss of a child is never expected and is overwhelming.
2. Grief is truly unique to an individual. Both my wife and I have had different reactions to this experience at different times.
3. You can either let the grief and anger of this situation take over your life, or you can choose to maintain control of your life.
4. When something like this happens, you are on autopilot. Everyone keeps asking if they can help. Initially, things come at you too fast to really know what you need. After you get your head together, it is easier to communicate what kind of help you need from friends and family.
5. A call or a card from our friends was surprisingly important; it let us know that we were not going through this alone. A simple acknowledgement meant the world to us.
6. No one knows what to say to you, nor should they. The first minute of a conversation with people seems to be the most awkward. Don't be afraid of upsetting us.
7. The more distance between this experience and the lapse in time makes it difficult for friends to break the ice. I do not avoid having a conversation about our son; in fact, to speak about him is therapeutic.
8. I have found that both my wife and I cherish each other and our daughter more. I like to be home to put my daughter to bed and I am far more protective of my family. Again, we could either let this situation destroy our family or bring us closer together.
9. We found out how wonderful the community we live and that I work in is. My wife's Mom's Club literally cooked us dinner for two months. My office and other local industry people helped us to offset the expenses of the funeral and artists contributed to making a Memorial Service special.
10. We are not able to do this by ourselves. Despite my resistance to go, grief counseling helps.
11. You never forget about the loss. I think of my son on a daily basis.
12. The only medicine that can help to control the situation and bring some type of normality back to our lives is time.

As you can see, this event had a profound impact on my wife and me. In my case, I went back to work one week after Samuel's death. For me, I needed to be in a different environment. Mentally, I really don't think I was back at work for a good month. My work ethic has not changed, but my workaholic nature is more under control. I look to use my time better at work so that I can spend more time with my family.

I cannot change the past and what has happened is done. But as a father, husband and manager, I take my personal experiences and use them to make myself a better person. I hope that this article does the same for you.

Randy Vogel is the performing arts center administrator for the Mesa Arts Center in Mesa, Arizona. He can be reached at randall.vogel@cityofmesa.org.

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