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By Rose
Ann Martinez
I’m not anyone important. I’m
not the executive vice president or CEO of anything. I’m not some rich
person’s niece or granddaughter. But I do know San Antonio. I do know you’re
coming in August for the IAAM Annual Conference & Trade Show (in partnership
with the National Association of Concessionaires). And I do know that I can
help you make the most of your time while in town.
(Anyone who wears Brooks Brothers, subscribes to The Economist or uses an
initial to start his name – as in J. Robert Boring – need not apply. You
have no pulse, and if we opened your chest, we would find cobwebs. Do us all
a favor: Hide in your hotel room and stay out of the way. If you want to get
crazy, order a movie and raid the minibar.)
Key Landmarks
Here’s the deal: San Antonio is easy to get around. You can’t get lost if
you use these basic geographical markers.
The big orange scribble.
I’m serious. There’s this huge, artsy-fartsy scribble right in the middle of
downtown. It was a gift from Mexico to San Antonio to commemorate … well,
something. Exactly what, I don’t know. But it’s huge, and it sticks out in
the middle of town like a giant … scribble. If you get lost and need to find
your way back to the hotels, look for the scribble in the sky. (I’m not
talking about the Tower. The Tower is not a scribble, and the scribble is
not the Tower. If you’re confused, reread the section about Brooks
Brothers.)
The River Walk.
It’s great to walk. You could even take the boat cruise. Either way,
spirited libations are everywhere. If you can see a Hooters or some other
restaurant chain invading your space, then you’re on the main portion of the
River Walk. The Alamo is on street level just outside Dillard’s on the left.
If you hit Fuddruckers or the Wax Museum, you’ve gone too far.
While you’re on the River Walk, do not fall in. Yes, I know there aren’t any
rails. Yes, I know you can rattle off Section 27A, Page 34, Paragraph 2,
Subsection 7 of your local code that mandates seat belts and rails for
anyone walking around in your facility. We’re all happy for you. But there’s
no rail on the River Walk, and you’re going to have to use your own sense of
balance (gasp!) to get through this.
Have no fear; just know that peace officers roam the river and will not
hesitate to cite you for falling in, regardless of how it might happen. If
you do fall in, you should stand up, raise your knees out of the water, and
climb back onto the sidewalk. No one will laugh in your face – although they
will laugh behind your back.
Eat It Up
Yes, we have Mexican food. But here’s the important thing: The real places
to go are not right in front of you. Do not go on the River Walk to eat
Mexican food. It’s great, and yes, it’s pretty. But if you want the real
thing, ask the guy set up on the sidewalk selling snow cones (raspas, for
those of you who speak Spanish). He will tell you where to go, and it will
require a cab or a good set of chanclas (more Spanish). It will be worth
your while, I promise.
If you must buy a souvenir, don’t get a sombrero. You’ll regret it, and
you’ll be chastised by everyone, including me. Buy a small donkey-shaped
piñata, or buy cascarones (but don’t let someone break one on you).
Cascarones are small items that require little space on the plane and are
rather affordable for the three-year-old back home who will most likely play
with them for a whopping three minutes.
Pack It Up
When you’re packing for the trip, bring a jacket, a sweater, a long-sleeved
shirt, a short-sleeved shirt, a tank top and your bathing suit. Also, bring
along a pair of wool slacks, cotton khakis, walking shorts, dress shoes,
boots, casual walking shoes, galoshes, flip flops and an umbrella, as I’m
sure you’ll need them during the four days you’re in town. Don’t bother
watching the Weather Channel.
If you’re going to golf, listen very closely. Wear sunscreen. I repeat, wear
sunscreen. You crazy Northerners think you can come down and handle 18 holes
with one layer of Coppertone? Think again! There is no sympathy for the Red
Lobster in San Antonio.
I apologize to those of you who were hoping to gain insightful industry
knowledge from this article. I could try providing that knowledge but would
fail miserably. Hopefully you’ve enjoyed reading my guide for surviving
downtown San Antonio. As a special incentive, I encourage you to seek me out
for my personal list of the top 10 restaurants in town. Good luck finding
me! I’ll give you a clue: I’m the only person willing to write a column this
ridiculous in Facility Manager. See you soon!
Rose Ann “The San Antonio Rose”
Martinez is director of event services at the AT&T Center in San Antonio,
Texas. |
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